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June 16, 2021 Diary Entry

Warning - This is not a happy post. We can't have good days all the time, can we? I wish we could.

I stress about being better.

    I constantly stress about how my disease is going to affect me today. Will I have brain fog? Will the tingling in my toes go away? Will the numbness in my knee lift? Will the heat bring on my paresthesia or spasticity? Will I get sea legs from my vertigo?
    Then I have to fight off the cravings for food I no longer allow myself to have. They said changing to an anti inflammatory diet helps with MS symptoms and possibly even prevents new lesions, so I made the choice to change, to fight but in doing so I fight a whole other battle.
    I constantly crave what I see so I convince myself it's poison to my body. Somethings I miss so much it makes me want to weep. Sometimes it's just a persistent craving that drives me mad, like a song on repeat but you can't rid yourself of the melody. Then I sit down and prepare meals that are good but lower on the scale of tastefulness. I know I will eventually get used to it and maybe down the line I won't care any more. 
     That makes me think of the future and I mourn the things I will have to sacrifice for the rest of my life, for as long as I choose for the sake of my health. I am also told exercising daily makes a huge impact on my MS and as if to prove it, I can personally attest that it does help. I feel much better after exercising. I realize though that if I push too hard it will do more harm than good. Pushing too hard causes the paresthesia, muscle stiffness, and tingling. My muscles also get tired so easily. It didn't used to be this way but this has been consistent ever since my first relapse in June 2020. 
    So frustrating. These little stresses. It makes me want to drink but I know if I do, then I won't stop and I worked so hard to be better. If I can't control it, then I can't have it. I must put my health first. 
    This is just the start to the war I fight every single day just to live from one moment to the next while also juggling everything else, like the stresses of my car accident. I worry almost every moment I am in my car that I might get into another one that might be more serious or what of I get hit by a vehicle? I know these things do me no good to worry about but I think of them still and it makes me just want to cry and scream.
    I think now and then, when I get tired, of how easy it would be to just finish it all but I continue to fight for my husband. I want to continue to live with him because I love him so much. I want to have a future with him. I want children with him. I want to share many more years and memories with him because who know how much longer we will have together. I don't think we stay together after death so this life is what we get to have with each other. Any life after this is wiped clean, no memories or knowledge. There might not even be a life. I think this is it. This is what we have. There is no one left. We are not even left. Are we?

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