So since yesterday's post, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. I noticed lately that I have been getting quite emotional and I had assumed part of it was MS-related or due to my medications messing with my hormones. I still believe this is true but not completely the problem.
While reflecting I realized part of my problem is fear of MS severely debilitating me and/or limiting my life to the point of being unable to be independent. I worry that MY disability might become someone else's and taking away their future and their freedom.
I love my life, myself, and my body. To be diagnosed with a disease that affects all 3 of those things hurts but the challenge of diagnosis is finding a way to live through it all despite the difficulties. I have accepted that things are going to be hard but now I deal with the fear.
The last three months have proven to me that I can pull through the relapses but I know it can be worse. There are so many different branches on the multiple sclerosis tree and that experience was one small branch. I haven't experienced the pain, long-term debilitating symptoms, and who knows what else.
I realize I am going to have to live one day at a time and one moment to the next. I can't let fear of this disease keep me from living my life.
Another thing that is difficult is having limited control. When I was first diagnosed I felt that I had no control and that it was important to get my control over my life back. I had thought that would give me control over this disease and it has to an extent but until there is a cure my control can only go so far.
As far as my life is concerned I quit drinking, I quit smoking, I'm eating a lot healthier, and I am exercising almost daily. I have come a long long way since this time last year.
As far as my disease I can take an effective drug modifying therapy, maintain a healthy diet and exercise regimen to ease symptoms like fatigue, make sure to keep up on testing, avoid getting an infection or illness, and see my doctors regularly.
I'm proud of myself so far and I know it will take a bit more time to get used to my new normal but I have been working hard to keep up on it. If this is a fight for my life, I am going at it hard and I have so much more fight to give. I am resilient. I am strong. I can do this.
Mindset is most important. If you tell yourself negatives or if you beat yourself down, it's going to hold you back, and eventually, you will be too weak to hold yourself up anymore. If you tell yourself positives and keep uplifted, you are trained and strong, and ready for the next difficult thing that will come your way. It will be less difficult and you will start thinking of solutions rather than immediately surrendering when times get tough.
Right now I am strong and ready but insecure in regards to what my future holds. I need to trust that I can handle what's thrown my way and have faith that everything happens for a reason and I will get through it. I like to think of myself as a Phoenix. With all I have been through in life, I feel like I have died a thousand times but each time I rise above the ashes smarter, stronger, and wiser.
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