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September 6, 2021 - Mourning, The Anger Stage

    Out of 328.2 million people living in the US, I have to be part of the 400,000 with multiple sclerosis. This makes me so angry. I feel like I got ripped off. These past few months have been hell. Why me? Haven't I lived through enough hell? I don't want this for myself.  

    I have been looking for my purpose, trying to create a life for myself, and trying to do things I can look back at and be proud of. Now I feel like I need to stop and recalibrate and I honestly don't know how to do that right now with everything else I have to do to recover.

    I try to think of the positives in my life but at times I struggle trying to convince myself they can't be snuffed out by this huge dark black cloud that has moved in. It wants to rip it all away. I must have been one wicked evil being in my past life if this was karmically delt.

    It's hard to not wish for other ailments instead, less challenging ones. I stopped saying "it's better me than someone else" because that was ridiculous. It's better to NOT be me as selfish as that sounds. I can't help but wish it on murderers, rapists, and child molesters instead. I even sometimes wonder why not someone who ended their life early, someone who died drinking and driving, someone who died of a drug overdose?

    I blame our health care system, politics, religion, and people who have their heads so far up their ass that they can't concern themselves with anything that doesn't promote their beliefs or themselves in some way and it's disgusting. Modern medicine is a joke. Pharmaceutical companies only treat symptoms and don't cure disease so I am stuck waiting for a cure and taking 4 different medications that make me sicker than shit just so they can bathe in their greed while the sick get sicker and the world remains obvious.

    It doesn't matter though...

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