Today has been so hard. I can't help but feel terrified and
think of the worst-case scenario. What if it's a brain tumor? What if they have
to do brain surgery? Just imagining preparing for something like that scares me
to death. I just can't do it. I'll die.
I have been trying not to think about it or research it
because I start to shake or I start to cry. I never thought this would happen
to me.
I keep thinking of how much I want my mom, my sister,
and most of all my grandmother. I feel like I have to be strong because I feel
so alone. My family, the ones who I trust to give me logical advice in
situations like this, are all dead.
I guess the shock wore off and that's why I am scared. I
just feel so betrayed, hurt, and overwhelmed. I just want to cry and even
though I am terrified of what is wrong, I need to know what I need to do to fix
it. I will do or try anything.
God, just give me a chance to fix this.
I went to our garage for privacy and let myself collapse to
the floor and sob. I was just too overwhelmed and I did something bad. I know I
shouldn’t look things up online without a proper diagnosis but I did and it
made everything so much worse. I prayed to god and my ancestors. I pleaded with
them to help me. I hope they heard me. I hope they can answer my prayers.
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