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July 29, 2021 - The Scary What If

Today has been so hard. I can't help but feel terrified and think of the worst-case scenario. What if it's a brain tumor? What if they have to do brain surgery? Just imagining preparing for something like that scares me to death. I just can't do it. I'll die.

I have been trying not to think about it or research it because I start to shake or I start to cry. I never thought this would happen to me. 

I keep thinking of how much I want my mom, my sister, and most of all my grandmother. I feel like I have to be strong because I feel so alone. My family, the ones who I trust to give me logical advice in situations like this, are all dead.

I guess the shock wore off and that's why I am scared. I just feel so betrayed, hurt, and overwhelmed. I just want to cry and even though I am terrified of what is wrong, I need to know what I need to do to fix it. I will do or try anything.

God, just give me a chance to fix this.

I went to our garage for privacy and let myself collapse to the floor and sob. I was just too overwhelmed and I did something bad. I know I shouldn’t look things up online without a proper diagnosis but I did and it made everything so much worse. I prayed to god and my ancestors. I pleaded with them to help me. I hope they heard me. I hope they can answer my prayers.

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