Skip to main content

October 13, 2021 - Pride

 It's funny how things in life come full circle. I always tried to steal clear of all the things my mom and sister did that my moral compass that were morally wrong but one thing they both couldn't help was being on disability. My mom with a mental disorder and my sister with type 1 diabetes. Both of them at one point or another had tried to work but found they couldn't for one reason or the other.

Now that my husband and I are swimming in debt, I am now considering going on social security disability. I am hoping temporarily but only time will tell. As it is now I can barely lift 10 lbs, I can't stand for more than 5 to 10 minutes, if I am fatigued I feel like I am going to drop on the spot, and I officially am not supposed to drive per my husband and occupational therapist.

Today I was looking at jobs, one of which paid 17 per hour. I thought, "I have the experience, I can totally do this". Then I remembered my current limitations and that made my heart drop. I get contant reminders that I am not my normal self and I am not sure when I will be back to normal or when I will have to go through this again.

Deciding to go on social security disability hurt my pride but it's necessary. I haven't been able to work in 3 months and my husband and I have been hemorrhaging money ever since that young jerk slammed into the back of my mercury. I have been cursing him all day enfuriated since my occupational therapist confirmed that there is a large possibility that the accident caused my exasperation. I try to think of the accident as being some other event that changes my journey but I can't help but feel resentment, bitterness, and anger toward that idiot that hit me. Fuck the journey or what not when that kid could have killed me in the accident and disabled me in a critical time of my life. He screwed up my life for who knows how long! 

Rant over. Hopefully I am approved disability and we can get back on track. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Mobilization to the Transplant - 7/24/23 to 9/15/23

 7/24/2023 We are going to leave for San Diego soon and my anxiety is starting to surface. Today I feel impatient. I just want to get this going. I woke up last night around 2 AM with my arm, from elbow to wrist feeling like I had a rubber band wrapped around it. I don’t know why this happens, but it seems like it happens most when I am really tired, or I don’t eat well earlier that day. It might be an incentive to be better at rest and food intake, but I hate it. I wake up and I am unable to get back to sleep leaving me more exhausted until regardless of the symptoms I finally fall asleep. Honestly, I am hoping a lot of these things will improve or disappear completely with HSCT but I am not naive enough to rely on it. I will just be happy if the MS goes into remission. I would love to wake up without worrying that a new symptom will mean an MS relapse. I am exhausted of MS and I haven’t had it as long as so many others have. 7/26/2023 - Hilton, Gun shots??? Tomorrow is th...
Post a Comment
Read more

September 30, 2021 - To The Bone

     I am so sick of posting new symptoms but I am about to post another one. Today it's cold in the house and I am borderline freezing but it feels so much better than the heat I have had to deal with I'm the summer so I am appreciating the cool air in the house.      My fingers are pretty cold and so are my feet but my feet are always ice cubes even with socks on. Then I notice the pain in my shoulder and there is a new pain in my arms. It's deep and feels like it's coming from my bones. I have never had a dull deep ache like this before. It hurts and is uncomfortable. I think it might be from the cold?      The pain in my shoulder I have had for a while now. I was told it could be caused by a muscle being pinched and inflamed. I am waiting to go to the doctor so I can talk to him about it. I think it was caused by the dystonia. A few times I had those attacks it felt like I was going to pull my arm out of the socket.      It...
Post a Comment
Read more

September 1, 2021 - Tummy Trouble

     So this morning I was able to get out of bed and use the bathroom before the spasm hit. It was a nice change of pace. I am praying that this means things are getting better but if they are it means the muscle spasms were influenced by my menstrual cycle.      I am glad in the sense that this would mean that I wouldn't have them as often but I am disappointed that I will dread my period even more now. Only time will tell for sure.      I stopped taking the baclofen. I didn't take it at all yesterday which proves that it wasn't doing anything.       I have been working to improve enough to return to work. I miss being independent as well as not having to rest like an 80-year-old. In fact, I think an 80-year-old would have more stamina.       Having MS isn't fair. I pray the Tecfidera is working. If not, it would mean my MS is aggressive and that I would need to take some serious measures because I do...
1 comment
Read more