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October 13, 2021 - Pride

 It's funny how things in life come full circle. I always tried to steal clear of all the things my mom and sister did that my moral compass that were morally wrong but one thing they both couldn't help was being on disability. My mom with a mental disorder and my sister with type 1 diabetes. Both of them at one point or another had tried to work but found they couldn't for one reason or the other.

Now that my husband and I are swimming in debt, I am now considering going on social security disability. I am hoping temporarily but only time will tell. As it is now I can barely lift 10 lbs, I can't stand for more than 5 to 10 minutes, if I am fatigued I feel like I am going to drop on the spot, and I officially am not supposed to drive per my husband and occupational therapist.

Today I was looking at jobs, one of which paid 17 per hour. I thought, "I have the experience, I can totally do this". Then I remembered my current limitations and that made my heart drop. I get contant reminders that I am not my normal self and I am not sure when I will be back to normal or when I will have to go through this again.

Deciding to go on social security disability hurt my pride but it's necessary. I haven't been able to work in 3 months and my husband and I have been hemorrhaging money ever since that young jerk slammed into the back of my mercury. I have been cursing him all day enfuriated since my occupational therapist confirmed that there is a large possibility that the accident caused my exasperation. I try to think of the accident as being some other event that changes my journey but I can't help but feel resentment, bitterness, and anger toward that idiot that hit me. Fuck the journey or what not when that kid could have killed me in the accident and disabled me in a critical time of my life. He screwed up my life for who knows how long! 

Rant over. Hopefully I am approved disability and we can get back on track. 

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