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This Hurt the Most

It hurt the most
09/2023
So, after being diagnosed I imagined the most horrible things happening physically. I didn’t expect the things that would happen mentally. I didn’t expect withdrawal or depression. The depression I had was never to the extreme before. It was the depression that had you looking at your gun as a backup plan. I believe now that I wouldn’t have gone to the extreme but I don’t know what kind of potential those thoughts honestly would have had. It did up having the opposite effect though.
I was and never have been suicidal. I have always been a pretty optimistic person. I remember having the biggest relapse and being full of hope. Numb, but full of hope. The depression hit me when I thought I had caught the relapse early. It must have been a severe chemical imbalance because, I swear, the steroids fixed it right away. The next day I really noticed a change. It was like a switch flipped. I wondered how I could go down such a dark thought process. I knew it was completely like me.
What I didn’t see escalating was the withdrawal. It started a month or two prior. At first, I had so much energy to spread awareness of MS and my symptoms which I thought were unusual at the time. Especially the Hemi-Dystonia. What happened though was the thought that it didn’t matter. Everything that happened, happened and no one really cared. It was what it was. It was all life and what I was going through someone else was going through the same thing, they wouldn’t benefit because MS was a snowflake disease and no two cases were alike.
It really is a complete fuck up that MS groups don’t really touch on Mental Health a whole lot. Mental health is 100% the most important. BTW I don't mean to bash groups. We really are what we have. I could have killed myself if the mood struck me during that time and I am really sick about it. (I won't, I promise). No one would have known (because I wouldn't say) and I am so so sick to admit it. Beyond embarrassed even. Now I know it wasn’t my fault. I have a disease that affects my brain which controls my hormones. That means it has a good deal of control when I am not expecting an attack. Can you imagine one day just thinking, “This is it, it’s the end. It wouldn’t help anyone to know.” Can you see how dangerous that is?
This isn’t the first brain game that hit me though. My first was when I was 27 years old (diagnosed at 31), I started having panic attacks. I would never have linked it with MS if it hadn’t arrived with dysphasia and vertigo. Can you imagine having vertigo and severe anxiety while also not having any reason for it? How about also adding in trouble swallowing. I thought I was crazy and the doctors did too. They labeled me as having a substance abuse problem even though I was only drinking to settle my nerves. The trouble swallowing eventually went away but it left its mark. Every time I eat something unfamiliar or out of my comfort zone, I have an anxiety attack. I still don’t know whether to argue it out of my mychart.
I am not telling anyone MS equals panic attacks and depression but rather to recognize it as a possibility. With me, I know.


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