My MS/HSCT Journey

  Here is a poem I wrote on a not so positive day. Good news is that it ends strong.   Some times I am just tired. Tired of pushing so hard to always be okay. Tired of ignoring and pushing away my sorrow. Tired of always flexing to make sure I will always be strong. Tired of remembering the hard times so the present seems easier. Tired of pulling up others around me so they don't pull me down. Tired of turning around to face the demons trying to sneak up behind m e. Tired of fighting a battle that never ends and starts new every moment. Tired of finding reasons to go on when I know it will all end. Tired of making contingency plans just in case I can't live another day. Tired of worrying I am not doing enough with what small amount of time I have been given. Tired of wondering what comes next so I can feel the comfort of a continued purpose.       It has been quite exhausting but somehow every day has been a proven miracle that I have made it this far ...

  My 1st day of a new job and I get rear ended on my way back from lunch. I am okay, I think.

Today I am quitting alcohol for good. Looking back at all the years I have wasted my time and money on alcohol. All the time I was belligerent and stupid.  I am done. No more. Not even one. I hate it. It ruins lives and hurts people. I used it as a coping mechanism for far too long. I don't want to ruin my life any further. I already have far too much to deal with.  Also, I have to think of how alcohol affects my disease. It's no secret that alcohol decreases brain size over time as well as causes inflammation in the brain which is exactly what you want to avoid. It also kills your motivation which is another bad thing for people with MS. You really want to excersize daily, eat healthy foods, avoid sugar and processed food/beverages (which alcohol is both), and avoid situations where you could potentially fall and cause injury. I don't want alcohol to be a constant in my life and I only ever drank to deal with my grief. It was never supposed to go on for this long but I gue...