Skip to main content

May 29, 2021. Poem - I Am Tired

  Here is a poem I wrote on a not so positive day. Good news is that it ends strong.


  Some times I am just tired. Tired of pushing so hard to always be okay. Tired of ignoring and pushing away my sorrow. Tired of always flexing to make sure I will always be strong. Tired of remembering the hard times so the present seems easier. Tired of pulling up others around me so they don't pull me down. Tired of turning around to face the demons trying to sneak up behind me. Tired of fighting a battle that never ends and starts new every moment. Tired of finding reasons to go on when I know it will all end. Tired of making contingency plans just in case I can't live another day. Tired of worrying I am not doing enough with what small amount of time I have been given. Tired of wondering what comes next so I can feel the comfort of a continued purpose. 

    It has been quite exhausting but somehow every day has been a proven miracle that I have made it this far without raising a white flag and calling it quits. I am here. I am fighting. No matter how Tired I get, I have a strategy for each moment. So I lift head up, put on my warrior face, pick up my weapons, and I go to war. Remembering it's not over until you choose it to be over. Remembering I have a strategy.

    Love of life, faith in one's self, and the strength within. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Mobilization to the Transplant - 7/24/23 to 9/15/23

 7/24/2023 We are going to leave for San Diego soon and my anxiety is starting to surface. Today I feel impatient. I just want to get this going. I woke up last night around 2 AM with my arm, from elbow to wrist feeling like I had a rubber band wrapped around it. I don’t know why this happens, but it seems like it happens most when I am really tired, or I don’t eat well earlier that day. It might be an incentive to be better at rest and food intake, but I hate it. I wake up and I am unable to get back to sleep leaving me more exhausted until regardless of the symptoms I finally fall asleep. Honestly, I am hoping a lot of these things will improve or disappear completely with HSCT but I am not naive enough to rely on it. I will just be happy if the MS goes into remission. I would love to wake up without worrying that a new symptom will mean an MS relapse. I am exhausted of MS and I haven’t had it as long as so many others have. 7/26/2023 - Hilton, Gun shots??? Tomorrow is th...
Post a Comment
Read more

September 30, 2021 - To The Bone

     I am so sick of posting new symptoms but I am about to post another one. Today it's cold in the house and I am borderline freezing but it feels so much better than the heat I have had to deal with I'm the summer so I am appreciating the cool air in the house.      My fingers are pretty cold and so are my feet but my feet are always ice cubes even with socks on. Then I notice the pain in my shoulder and there is a new pain in my arms. It's deep and feels like it's coming from my bones. I have never had a dull deep ache like this before. It hurts and is uncomfortable. I think it might be from the cold?      The pain in my shoulder I have had for a while now. I was told it could be caused by a muscle being pinched and inflamed. I am waiting to go to the doctor so I can talk to him about it. I think it was caused by the dystonia. A few times I had those attacks it felt like I was going to pull my arm out of the socket.      It...
Post a Comment
Read more

September 6, 2021 - Mourning, The Anger Stage

     Out of 328.2 million people living in the US, I have to be part of the 400,000 with multiple sclerosis. This makes me so angry. I feel like I got ripped off. These past few months have been hell. Why me? Haven't I lived through enough hell? I don't want this for myself.        I have been looking for my purpose, trying to create a life for myself, and trying to do things I can look back at and be proud of. Now I feel like I need to stop and recalibrate and I honestly don't know how to do that right now with everything else I have to do to recover.      I try to think of the positives in my life but at times I struggle trying to convince myself they can't be snuffed out by this huge dark black cloud that has moved in. It wants to rip it all away. I must have been one wicked evil being in my past life if this was karmically delt.      It's hard to not wish for other ailments instead, less challenging ones. I stoppe...
Post a Comment
Read more